Thank you for making a fool of me!🔗

- Confessions of a convert - Raji

"Listen can you help with a brochure on divine healing? I'll give you enough material, but we need it in a hurry."

The hasty phone call was from an old friend, a web designer who had recently become involved with Dhyanapeetam. It was the first I heard about THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM (a most unusual way to be introduced to one's future guru!).

I had all the ideal prerequisites to fall for such an invitation – I was already in the throes of deep depression, having 'tried out' various spiritual disciplines that hadn't worked for me. I was convinced that there was something basically wrong with me. I was desperate for spiritual guidance, but simply didn't know where to turn.

Still I said, I'll think about it.

It took more than two weeks of persistent calls from my friend to get me to agree.

Finally I went with him, half-skeptical, half-excited.

Those were the days when THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM was operating out of a makeshift studio-cum-healing centre, located just off a busy road. Soon after we entered, we were ushered into THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM's presence. I guess it was the perfectly wrong place to meet him! The obviously religious atmosphere of the place made me somewhat uncomfortable. Standing quietly in a corner of the room, I took a good look at saffron-clad figure seated on an ornamental throne. He looked like just one more of those spiritual figures one sees everywhere these days. I was bitterly disappointed.

"So you have come, ma! Sorry, you had to wait so long!", THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM said when he spotted us, smiling broadly.

(At the time, I was too much of an idiot to realize just what exactly he meant by those words… )

Then he beckoned to me to come forward – and to my utter dismay, I found myself going up to him and prostrating at his feet!

I was furious with myself*. Now just why did I do such a stupid thing?* I thought. I, who hadn't visited a temple since I was ten, who was allergic to anyone in saffron, had just fallen at the feet of this young stranger! I felt a thorough fool.

After discussing the job on hand, THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM dismissed the others and asked me if I had anything personal to say to him.

"Nothing." I said firmly.

"Nothing - except - ?" he queried gently.

I was taken aback. How did he know? Should I go ahead and tell him? I was torn between the rulings of heart and mind.

"Well, nothing except… where do I go from here…?", I faltered weakly.

"NOWHERE. You have come to the right place, ma. This is the end of your search. You are going to be with me", he said, smiling mysteriously.

Like hell I am, I thought angrily. What did he mean by taking charge of my future like this? He's making a fool of me!

I left in a huff, deeply disturbed without knowing why.

Soon after, my friend called to say that THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM had asked me to take ten days' continuous healing from him for my depression (which I hadn't even mentioned to him).

No way, I said.

I went, nevertheless - without missing a single day.

During that period THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM asked me to attend the upcoming ASP. I was reluctant. I had attended so many personal development programs, could this one be any different? To tell the truth, I was afraid. I felt I simply couldn't bear it if things didn't work out one more time…

"It might help you with the writing, that's all", THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM said gently.

The ASP proved a total non-starter for me.

Everybody had been asked to wear white clothes; I wore green and purple instead. I don't know whom or what I was fighting! During the program, all around me people were going into paroxysms of bliss - and I was just bewildered.

Just before the energy darshan, THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM remarked on the tremendous effect it would have on our systems. "Of course, emotional people can enjoy both the experience and the effect. Intellectual people will feel no experience, only the effect", he said, looking me straight in the eye (or was I imagining it?).

After the Energy darshan, I felt exactly nothing.

I returned home, envious of all those who had had those beautiful spiritual experiences*. Why not me? I want nothing to do with this stuff anymore, it's not worth it! I decided.*

Still, what with one thing or the other, I ended up going to the healing centre every other day.

Why is he dragging me here everyday? I don't want to come! I would tell myself bitterly.

Well, why was I going? I was free to drop the jobs any minute. Was I really being forced to go, or was I being drawn by something irresistible, beyond my comprehension? I hastily put these uncomfortable questions out of my mind. Instead, whenever I was in THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM's presence, I would fire questions at him instead: Why the saffron robe? Why

all these poojas and rituals? Above all, why would an enlightened person waste his time running a mission?

During healing one day, as I sat at his feet afire with questions, he reached out and took my hands gently in his own.

"Your Mind can resist as much as it likes, ma. But see, your Being has already merged with mine!"

He spoke with infinite love, infinite compassion. As he said the words, I experienced the very thing he said – a silent, beautiful blending, of a pulsating wave that arose from me and disappeared gently into Him. And all my questions dissolved in his Love.

Then one day I received a call from the Secretary, asking me to attend the next healers' initiation program.

"But I'm not ready", I protested.

"THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM says you are", he said quietly.

"I don't think I'll come."

"THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM expects you there tomorrow morning."

Against every argument that logic could offer, I went. Without even understanding what I was there for, certain that I was quite incapable of being a channel of THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM, I went through with the initiation. I couldn't understand why I was doing this. I was slowly losing control of my life! I felt angry and helpless.

One day, in desperation, I put the question to THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM himself.

"Swami I respect you, I feel blessed in your presence. Then why am I resisting you like this, why am I fighting you with everything I've got?"

"Perfectly OK, ma. The greater the devotion you feel, the greater the resistance you'll experience", he explained gently. When you surrender to the master, you surrender control over yourself. Naturally, your ego will be in fear, in fear of its own death! What you call 'resisting' is nothing but your ego fighting a losing battle against your love for me."

That was a strange and difficult thing to believe – like so much else that was happening to me at the time.

Soon after, Swamiji moved to the Bidadi ashram permanently. Several times, we were invited to the ashram for various functions. I didn't attend a single one. I had acquired a terror of the ashram, without even visiting it.

In fact, I was in terror of Swamiji himself. The man was deliberately pushing me to the brink! Here I was, with a perfectly good job, a loving husband and family, so much to be complacent about. And yet, he was stirring in me a longing for something that I could not articulate, but could not ignore. Deep inside, I knew I was being called upon to fulfil a quest I had felt since I can remember.

How long will you postpone it, Raji? Swamiji asked me every time I went to him. He never said a thing aloud, but I could see it in his eyes, I could hear it in the silence between his words. But was I prepared to take the final step?

Finally, one lovely day in April, I made up my mind to get the visit to Bidadi over with.

We drove into the ashram - and it was like coming home. There is simply no other way to describe it.

For someone with a special talent for not receiving visions, I had a truly amazing experience of de ja vu. Here it was, at last! Every shrub, every brick was in place, just as I remembered it! Even the sunshine, the voices of the people talking, the smell in the air, was as familiar, as dearly beloved as from a long-forgotten home.

Then I spotted Swamiji, watching me with a quiet smile.

"Oh, I'm sorry Swamiji, I didn't see you...", I stammered. "I know, you couldn't see me. But I saw you right away", he smiled, a mischievous twinkle in his eye.

In Bidadi, Swamiji was truly in his element – or perhaps, only here did I finally open my eyes and see. He was radiant with Love. His divine presence permeated the air; it spoke eloquently through every leaf and blade of grass, through the very sand beneath my feet. On a warm summer day, I found myself shivering. I had never been so dizzily happy, but I was fighting back tears! I felt suddenly weary, as if I had just completed a long journey, entrusted with some precious thing that I was to deliver safely to him. Finally I could lay it down at his feet, and rest peacefully there…

Astonished at all the weird emotions welling up inside me, I spilled them out to Swamiji.

There's a word for these 'weird emotions' you're feeling, ma. It's called Love, he smiled.

After that visit, no questions remained anymore, no more excuses, no more power to think.

The next time I came to Bidadi, it was for good - to be part of the first group of inmates at the ashram.

"So you have come!", Swamiji smiled at me that day, a repetition of his very first words to me.

All I could do was nod silently in return.

I was brimming over.

• *

They say that when the disciple is ready, the master appears.

But it would take an ignoramus like me to turn my face away from the master's presence for almost a year. All through that year, Swamiji worked silently upon me. Ploughing through prejudices acquired over the years, dissolving my resistance with his unconditional love and compassion. And all the while, pouring, pouring joy into me. He is still working, for there is so much, so much left to unlearn...

How can I ever thank you enough, Swamiji..?

Thank you so much for finding me... and thank you for showing me what a fool I was (and still am, sometimes!)

• *

It's not easy, putting all this down on paper… it's never easy admitting to such folly in public!

But I feel compelled to write, because I know there are many out there who feel exactly like I did, over a year ago.

To them, a couple of words: let go.

When your find your master, here or elsewhere, please don't let your prejudices, your foregone conclusions get in the way.

Please, don't make the mistake I made!

Everyone does not get the precious chance to be in the master's divine presence – you are truly fortunate! Allow the master an opportunity to transform you.

In life, we rarely get a second chance.

My heartfelt prayers for all of you.

Rejuvenation

Revathi Ganesh

Life for me had reached a point of crisis, my mind was racing with so many questions there was an inner conflict going on, almost all the time, I was contemplating and trying so many things to satisfy myself. The satisfaction, the joy was all temporary it faded away too soon. I was totally confused and I did not even understand about what, all I knew was there seemed to be a vacuum, I felt like an incomplete jigsaw puzzle.

Actually I had come full circle, everything that one would wish for was there and I should have been very pleased and happy with life, but NO that wasn't the case with me. It was not discontentment, unhappiness, not any kind of emotional insecurity, nor was I craving for any materialistic things???? But still there was this emptiness, a feeling of incompleteness, vacuum deep within. What is life? What is success? Was life reaching a certain status in society, making lots of money, studying well etc? Then what?? Many such questions kept my head pounding, nobody, no books, no amount of meditation could give me a satisfying answer and nothing could fill that vacuum. Rituals was something I never believed in , but praying was a part and parcel of my life, almost all my conversations are only with GOD. I started reading a lot of spiritual books and attending spiritual discourses. Through all this questioning and restlessness I was attuned to Reiki and went on to the third degree, thus practising a lot of meditation and healing. To a certain extent I could feel myself groping through and feeling satisfied but still that vacuum remained as wide as ever.

Then I heard about THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM, that he was very young but very mature, contemporary, an ocean of knowledge, very modern in his outlook and his discourses were excellent and he could reach out to common man.

Since, physical and mental fatigue had taken over due to all the questioning and confusion I welcomed a break through THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM's "Ananda Spurana' two day program at a picturesque place, though it did not sound different from so many other programs being offered. But that was not to happen. Instead, on the same day that I was supposed to attend his program I landed up in Shridi, it was so sudden and miraculous and then started the wonderful journey. Suddenly, I felt some kind of direction, on my return, some voice was all the time prompting me to at least meet this THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM whose program I had missed, so I decided to listen and went to meet him.

We were ushered into a room (around six of us) and there I was face to face with Swami, he was full of humour and I found myself feeling at home, it was more like I had met a good friend after many years and I could say anything I pleased without any inhibitions, and he would simply understand. I was talking with ease and he was suggesting we attend his program which was the next day and even before I knew it I was agreeing to do so, though I had already taken my break by going to Shirdi.

Before I could even realise what was happening I was at his program , though I had no inkling of what it was about. I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO REGRETS. THE PROGRAM WAS DUMBFOUNDING. By the end of it I was in great ecstasy and full of gratitude for being introduced to Swamiji. The 'Energy darshan' gave such a wonderful glimpse of bliss, I had never ever experienced such profound joy in my life, no never, not even when I got a good husband, a lovely child and so many more things in life. The joy is indescribable, beyond words and comparison. One has to feel and experience it to rejoice in it. It was so enveloping that I was overflowing with gratitude, and I fell at THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM's feet in complete reverence, remaining so forever... And from that day he has brought me a long way...

As per his final instructions to carry and spread the emotion, I carried it all home, and am still very earnestly trying to spread it. That VACUUM WHICH NEVER SEEMED TO FILL HAD DISAPPEARED INTO THIN AIR, I was ebbing with love and compassion, suddenly the sky seemed brighter, the songs of the birds more lovely, all relationships were sugary sweet, there was great beauty and joy in the simplest of things, I was simply reaching the skies without even stretching my arms, I FELT I HAD NOW COME FULL CIRCLE.

An awareness had slowly crept in, I was and am being transformed to WHAT only he knows, but definitely for the very best.

It was over a month and all the wonderful feelings still remained, but I was expecting most of it to wane off sooner or later because that his how it has been with everything else. Suddenly, one day I went into a depression for apparently no reason what so ever, I was convinced that it was all over again the vacuum would come back, this was the end of all the glory, the ecstasy, but only to discover that a transformation was taking place in me deep within, an awareness that I did not even acknowledge before was identifying the cause, teaching me life was not worth getting depressed about anything, teaching me to live in the now and just be in 'NITYAANADAM' (joyous in every moment). I slipped out of the depression in a wink and have not seen the face of it ever since.

This 'ANANDAM' had come to stay for ever and with it has come faith in abundance in Swami Nithyananda.

When THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM came into my life is when I was born again, I found my self, call it 'REJUVENATION', 'REBIRTH'. My gratitude to him for giving me a meaning to life, now I am actually living each and every minute in my life, each and every cell in my body has been rejuvenated. There is a total personality shift. I am living completely in the attitude of gratitude. Deep within is a quite strength, great courage and PROFOUND FAITH which seems to be growing in leaps and bounds.

In fact, one does not need to ask him any questions, you just ponder, seek and you will find the answers handed over to you neatly in a nutshell.

It is like my life is being shuffled like a pack of cards, but this time the cards are so beautifully falling into the right slot, the end always turns out to be for my best.

Another intriguing thing with Swamiji is, you think 'He is doing so much for us, let me do at least this small service for him.' But sooner or later you realise that actually you have benefited from whatever service you did him.

YOU CAN NEVER GIVE ANYTHING TO SWAMIJI , YOU CAN ONLY RECEIVE FROM HIM.

It is one year since I met him, he has filled me to the brim, I am still overflowing with the same love, compassion, ecstasy. It has been a series of lessons and realisations of the past and present. I understand the meaning and answers to so many questions. I now understand the meaning and feeling of joy, bliss, ecstasy... that lasts and will last forever. The great feeling of unconditional love and how satisfying it can be, the meaning of life, the pathway to liberation... and though I know I have a long way to go, I KNOW I AM NOT ALONE, I am so happy to have found my friend, guide, son... GURU and remain in reverence and gratitude to him forever.

MY EXPERIENCE AS A HEALER

One bright sunny day ( all days are sunny from the time I met Swamiji), when I was still rejoicing and basking in the warmth and aftermath of meeting Sri Nithyananda Paramashivam, I was initiated as a healer by him on 9th February 2003.

Though I was healing people through Reiki, it was only after I started practising his healing that I discovered and experienced so much. To quote a few examples below (the list is endless):

• It is an opportunity to drop your ego.
• Depression has been removed from my dictionary.
• It serves as a great scale to measure yourself, because as I healed I realised that I was also getting healed,

not only at the physical level but at the mental level too.

• I used to end the day with healing and that left me with a very contented feeling.
• The thanking smile on the weary patient's face earned me millions.
• So many aches in me had disappeared, my blood pressure which was fluctuating now and then, has been set to normal.
• I am so much more energetic, enthusiastic and cheerful.
• I notice especially when I am tired at the fag end of the day all I have to do to wake myself up and get energised is give healing to somebody, I simply sit up so full of energy just like you feel after a good night's sleep.
• In the past I was aware of only the pain in my body, now I am in gratitude for the good health God has given me.
• It has given me a new meaning to life.
• During the process of healing, you slip into 'Ananda' (joy) and into a lot of 'Self Inquiry'.
• If you know how difficult it is to put a good book

down then it is much more difficult to come out of the bliss you feel when you are healing, open your eyes and get back to reality!

The above are words. To know just what it is, you have to feel, to experience... anything with Swamiji is always an experience, to put it in his words 'A TANGIBLE EXPERIENCE'.

Words are not enough to express my gratitude to him, but I thank him all the same for making me a humble extension of his 'hands that heal' and allowing me to be a part of many remarkable experiences...

I remain in a plethora of gratitude... reverence... forever...