Q. How can I stop comparing myself to others and being miserable?
At least you have realized that comparison only brings misery that is a good beginning!
Buddha makes a statement of tremendous significance. He says: nothing exists except in relationship. Everything is relative, and draws its meaning only from its relationship with something else.
What are the words you use to compare yourself to others? Beautiful. Rich. Clever. Unucky. Young. Weak. And so on.
Now, imagine yourself on some new planet, where nobody lived but you. Would you then be beautiful or ugly? Tall or short? Rich or poor? Without comparison, these words naturally lose their meaning. Because they are only concepts formulated by the mind; they have no real existence.
Try this: close your eyes for a few moments. Imagine yourself all alone in the world. Do you feel ugly or beautiful inside? Foolish or wise? Where are all these concepts then? Only the fact that you exist remains - because that is the only truth.
To compare yourself with someone else is foolishness, because you can never be anyone else - and no one else can be you! Look around you. Do you know anyone else who is exactly the same as you? Don't you see how special you are?
It is said that a disciple once approached a Zen master and asked him, "When will I become like Buddha?" In answer, the master slapped him furiously across the face. Was it because the disciple was hoping for too much? NO. The master simply had to jolt the disciple into the awareness that he was already a Buddha! How can you want to become something you already are?
You are so out of touch with your inner being that you have forgotten how extraordinary you really are. Once you realise this, the need to compare dies naturally. Even if you wanted to, each person is so different that where is a common point of reference? So drop the attitude of comparison. Remember, you are truly unique - just like everyone else!
Q. I have just found a most wonderful partner, but I'm so worried that this relationship is too good to last!
Too good to last! This is really worry at its peak! To worry about not having anything to worry about is the most cunning game of the mind. The mind will never let you relax into the present - it has to keep imposing the past and future upon you. But to love is to forget both past and future - to surrender totally to the delights of the present.
Examine the true reason for your fear.
Something that is simply too beautiful is happening to you. So beautiful that you feel you've done nothing to deserve it! So you start fearing the moment when it will be over. When is he going to find someone more beautiful, more talented, more rich? How am I going to prevent it? What will happen if he leaves?
But no matter how much you worry, is there any way you can prevent anything from happening? You don't possess your partner. You don't know when he might change his mind - you don't even understand your own mind! To imagine that you can control the situation is sheer foolishness. Trying too hard to hold onto a relationship is the most certain way to destroy it. Ultimately, all insecurities arise from a lack of trust in oneself. In love, one simply has to trust oneself. Only then can you trust your partner, and trust in your relationship. There is no other way. Of course, no one can promise you that your relationship will last. Why do you want it to? Change is the nature of life. Accept that the relationship is here today, and it it is beautiful. Yes, it may not be the same tomorrow. Isn't that all the more reason to enjoy it completely today? There will be enough time to feel the pain when it has gone.
And the truth is, if you have loved completely, with your entire being, there will be no suffering in letting go of a relationship when it no longer works. To be afraid to love simply because it may not last is as foolish as refusing to live because your are certain to die someday!
Q. Even though I am trying to change into a better person, I worry about being punished for my past sins.
We are never punished for our sins! Rather, we are punished by them. Sin always carries its own punishment. In fact, it is the concept of delayed punishment that allows people to commit sin; it is reassuring to know that one can sin now and pay for it later, maybe only on Judgement day or even in another life! The fact is that sin and punishment always come together. And I'm not talking about theft or murder. To me, sin is any act that is commited in unawareness. Even over-eating is a sin - and it usually brings its punishment in the long run. When you're angry, when you're jealous or revengeful, you are committing violence on your own being. Your inner state is thrown out of key, your peace is ruined. Even a few minutes of anger can poison your entire system, and it will be hours or days before you can regain your normal state.This is your sin and your suffering.
Guilt is the most common and most major form of punishment you can inflict upon yourself. People usually pay for small, entirely forgettable sins with years of unnecessary guilt - like you are doing right now! The truth is, when you drop the guilt, you drop the sin also. A person committing adultery may be so lost in love that she is not conscious of sinning at all. Without the guilt, she is no longer a sinner, only a lover.
This is what Heaven and Hell actually are - psychological states of mind. You won't find them on a map of the universe - they exist only inside your own mind. And worry and guilt are the surest ways to enter into Hell.
Guilt is useful in a limited way, in that it keeps you from committing the same mistake twice. If you have learnt your lesson, it is time to drop the guilt. No point in worrying about mistakes already made; there is no greater sin than refusing to let go of your past!
Q. This whole issue of Enlightenment worries me. Am I working towards it in the right way?
If you're working towards Enlightenment - and worrying about it, on top of that - you can be sure you won't get anywhere close! The only way to apporach Enlightenment is to forget about it altogether. Of course, it's not easy to forget, but the problem with focusing too hard on the destination is that you miss out on the joys of the journey. Surrender to the present moment, and the future will take care of itself.
The worry about enlightenment is the last big declaration of the ego. Don't be deceived by it; it is only taking you further away from your destination. Enlightement can happen only when you are in the egoless state, ready to receive. Enlightenment is not a performance, it is not something to be achieved through anxiety and effort. On the contrary, when you are ready you will slip into it of your own accord, naturally and effortlessly. In the meantime, do the best sadhna you can: simply Enjoy!
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