The operation room chapter 9
Life with me will be ecstatic but equally challenging as well because my work is to cause chaos in you, break all your social conditioning and past patterns and show what you are really made of.
- The operation room -
By becoming a disciple, you have made the clear decision to find yourself. When you begin to find yourself, there will be pain because you are losing what you thought you were - that is your ego. The ego is what you have known to be you. It has become you. But when you come to a Master, you have actually chosen the path of dropping the ego although you are not aware of it!
When you are with the Master, you will start falling in tune with the way of Existence that is spontaneity. In what appears as the chaos of the universe, there is an amazing order. You will learn to perceive that order and enjoy moving in tune with it. The whole of Existence is an energy body with supreme intelligence. There is no planning. If the rain comes, it comes. If the lightning comes, it comes. Only we try to predict the rain and lightning through weather forecast!
Living in the moment is beautiful because then every new moment is packed with so much freshness! And even if the future seems to repeat things, we will not see it as a repetition; we will only take it as a fresh happening. The trick is to un-clutch from the habit of linking things and creating conclusions. It is this clutching that makes things appear as boring and repetitive. Actually, the future never repeats itself. It is just another happening. That's all! It is our mind that brands it. For example: you
- RISING IN LOVE WITH THE MASTER -
may see a sunset today, and you may see it tomorrow also. But it is not the same sunset! It is continuously changing. But your mind links it to yesterday's sunset and says, 'Oh! I have already seen. I am seeing it everyday. There is no need to waste time in seeing it again.'
No! It is a new happening. Understand that.
To tell you honestly, we are all afraid to throw ourselves into the unfolding newness of every minute. We feel cozy by going on repeating the same thing everyday. For example: you wake up at seven thirty, read the newspaper at eight, eat breakfast at eight thirty and go to the office at nine. Then you have lunch at one and come back to the house at seven; you watch television for some time, have your dinner and go to bed. The next day will be exactly the same thing. You feel comfortable doing things in a routine fashion because they are done everyday and there is no question of anything new or unknown.
But with the new, there will be fear because everything is unknown to you. You will be doing everything for the first time, so naturally, you will be unsure of whether you are going to make it or not. But in this uncertainty, there will be a thrill, a vitality. And when you go with this aliveness, you will become spontaneous and intelligent.
The Master is everything; he is every single dimension you can ever imagine. He is like winter and at the same time, summer; the moon and at the same time, the sun.
- The operation room -
He is delicate like a flower yet as hard as a rock. Only when he is like this, will the disciple grow.
Actually, the whole problem is that you are not open to what the Master is trying to do to you. I am trying to shatter you and you are trying to protect yourself. I am trying to melt you and you are trying to freeze. I try to attract you with my fragrance but you pull away. I try to crush your ego but you escape.
I am trying to do something and you are trying to do the opposite.
- RISING IN LOVE WITH THE MASTER -
'I feel as if I can never accept things,'says a new comer. 'Whatever I have doesn't seem like enough for me. And then when I get what I thought I wanted, even that doesn't seem like enough."
You will have to pass through this stage. By and by you will understand the pseudo-ness of the whole thing. But in order to understand, you will have to pass through it first. And you will have to go through it many times before it becomes a solid experience.
Simply passing through it once will not become an experience. The understanding will only touch you externally and pass. Only when it happens again and again will it become an experience in you. Then you will be able to understand the nonsense of the whole thing!
Once you have fallen in tune with me, you begin to forget your mind. It is like when you are in love with someone, your mind becomes less important. The love is what takes you over. So once you have forgotten yourself, I will be able to enter you. Then there will be no hindrance because it is the mind that is the hindrance. And now the mind has left you so I will simply be able to transform you.
And to tell you honestly, your mind leaving you has nothing to do with me. The Master is just a device. The disciple has fallen so much in love with the Master that the mind doesn't have a say anymore. Whatever the Master says, your body will simply respond!
I am here only to bring you to the state where you will not listen to the mind. But you dropping the mind is not because of me; I am just an excuse. The mind has to be dropped. That's all! But if I tell you to drop the mind, will
- The operation room -
you be able to do it? Will you even be able to understand? So you have to go through the drama!
The Master is a drama, nothing more. He just appears to be in front of you and telling you all of this. But understand that what you are seeing is just a drama with a very good hero!
So once the mind has been dropped, you will feel a great burden being lifted from you. Then you will understand the games which it has been playing on you. It will go on telling you that happiness is somewhere else; it will never help you look within and experience it now. The mind will always look here and there. It will never look inside.
The mind functions out of the past or the future. It can never be in the present. It can never be here. To be here is against the very nature of the mind. Only when you are in the present, you will experience bliss. Bliss does not exist anywhere else except right here. But the mind will go on throwing you farther and farther away. It will tell you to seek bliss is within you. What is the need to seek it? The mind cannot be happy in the present, so it goes on projecting somewhere else. It will go on projecting and postponing.
The only way to overcome the mind is to go through it. You will have to become aware of the games it plays. Only then you will understand.
There will be many times when you will hope and the mind frustrates you. It is like you are driving in a car with the hope of getting somewhere and the car is switched off. After some time, you will understand that the car is of no use and there are other ways of getting where you wish to go. In the same way, your mind will again and again lead you into frustration. Soon you will realize that the mind is of no use and with this realization, you will drop the mind.
Once you understand this, it will not be an intellectual understanding. It will be experiential. You would have experienced the troubles that the car gave you; you would have experienced the frustrations of the mind. Now, it is not just something someone has told you. It is not just something you believe in; it is something that has penetrated you as a practical and deep understanding. Once this understanding comes, you simply cannot live with the mind. It has to leave you. And then there will be nothing that will cloud your inner space.
The only way to really digest what I am saying is to first drop the mind. As long as the mind is there, whatever I say will only be a belief for you. It will not penetrate you. Once the mind is dropped, you will see the Truth for vourself.
Once you enjoy life without allowing the mind to play, your problems will not have any effect on you. Being happy and having problems are two completely different things. You can have problems and still be happy.
When you are happy, you become vulnerable; this is why there is a subtle fear. When you are happy, you become childlike and innocent. Then you become afraid that you have become vulnerable. But when you are miserable, you will look intellectual, knowledgeable, and solid.
To tell you honestly: true intelligence comes only when there is innocence. You may have intellect. Intellect comes from the outside. It has to be acquired. But intelligence is what you are.
So as you begin to come into contact with yourself, you will have to face the fear. Everyone has emptiness at their very core. It is like a wheel. The wheel may have many spokes but at the very center, there is emptiness. And it is this emptiness that holds the whole wheel together.
- The operation room -
In the same way, your whole life is centered upon emptiness. This is what we are working for; this is what you are here for - to put yourself back into your emptiness. Being in this emptiness is the ultimate fulfillment. But the fear comes because you have been brought up with so much of noise.
Actually, unless you have fallen into your inner space, you can never experience the ultimate fulfillment that you are actually seeking. All of the so-called fulfillment that comes your way will break with the smallest disappointment. Then how can you call this fulfillment? Fulfillment is the feeling of complete contentment no matter what the situation is. And this feeling can only happen when you have fallen into emptiness.
When you are in deep sleep, you enter into this emptiness. This is why you are so fresh after a dreamless sleep. You touch your emptiness and it rejuvenates you. This is because in this emptiness there is no name or identity. You just lose your identity. You forget who you are. It simply is, that's all!
But the moment you wake up, you are no longer in that emptiness. In fact you have no idea what happened! It is not like the emptiness has left you; no! It is still inside you but you were not aware of it while you were experiencing it. When you were asleep, you were unaware. If you were aware, you would not have come out of this emptiness. You would have understood its depths. And the moment you understand it, you will fall into its depths.
The other thing stopping you from knowing the depths of yourself is fear. You have the fear of losing your so-called self. This is why you are afraid of entering your own depths. This fear will be there until you enter. If you simply forget the fear and jump, the fear will disappear. Fear is against the very nature of emptiness. There is nothing in emptiness - it is just empty. So once you drop the fear and consciously enter, you will be able to stay in its depths.
Do not suppress your fear and try to act as if you are very strong. If you do this, it will only be pseudo because underneath this so-called strength, there is fear. Simply accept you are afraid, and carry on. Accept your fear and continue anyhow.
You see: accepting your fear and moving on is different, and suppressing it is totally different. When you suppress, you act as if there is no fear and you simply put on a nice show to prove you are very strong. But when you accept your fear and move towards the emptiness, you are aware of your fear but you still continue and reach the emptiness.
When you accept, you have the clear understanding that the Master is pushing you towards yourself.
- The operation room -
An onlooker tells swamiji that he is not able to comprehend what swamiji is saying. He tells him that he has become confused.
If life was meant to be logical, there would be only men or only women. There would be only cold or only hot. But there are both. There are always opposites; there is always a yin and yang - the male and female, the opposites.
When there is duality, there is bound to be confusion. Only when you have absorbed all confusions and all opposites, will oneness happen in you. I am not telling you to drop all confusion. I am telling you to understand and use them. For example: love and hate are two emotions in you. Now you have used both of them and a new emotion has risen in you: compassion. Compassion is both of these and something more.
This is what I go on doing. I create bridges within you between the opposites. And this is what causes the confusion. Your mind's nature is to divide, so you are perfectly alright with these opposites. But the nature of life is oneness, so I am telling you to find the bridge that will connect.
The bridges are already there. You just have to look.
And I will go on creating opposites in you. If you are confused, I will make you clear. If you are clear, I will make you confused. I will go on putting you in confusion. Only when you are utterly confused, the mind will drop and suddenly there will be no more confusion, only clarity.
Confusion is a part of life. If you are not confused, you are just dull. And what will you do with certainty? Confusion is much more valuable. It means you are alive. It means you are growing.
But you never want confusion. You only want certainty. You want certainty because you want security all the time. You need to feel secure. But I tell you: instead of running away from confusion, you should have the clear understanding that confusion will make you clearer.
The moment I see you settling, I will just shake the Earth beneath you. You will fall down and become frustrated and confused. The nature of the mind is to settle, but life has to move! The mind is like a stagnant pool, but life is like a river. Life is full of movement, but your mind wants to be still.
This is the reason why there is so much of struggle. Your mind wants to remain stagnant, but life has to move. As of now, you are living for the mind. So you want to become stagnant. But your inherent nature is to flow with life; to be in continuous movement.
Let you be clear: the confusion will be there. Once you come into contact with me, the confusion will come. This is because the new will start happening but the old will still be there. It will be difficult to decide whether to let the new take over or to continue with the old. The new will be chaos. The old is order. But there is a charm in the chaos, a pull. You will try to run away, but you end up running towards it!
Let the confusion be there. Do not run away from it; become aware. Once you have totally lost yourself in confusion, you will simply drop the mind.
Confusion is part of the process. It is part of the work which is done once you come to the Master. The transformation can happen only after all your old concepts and ideologies leave you. All of these ideologies are like a mesh for me to enter. Unless this mesh gives way, I cannot enter. When confusion happens, the mesh becomes so tight and complex that it has to break. When this happens, I can enter!
- The operation room -