From Worrying to Wondering🔗

Why do we worry?

FROM WORRYING TO WONDERING

Listen carefully. The question I ask is not, 'What do you worry about?' For even a ten-year-old would be able to answer that one!

We are all ready with a list of things that get us worried - money, work, relationships, illness - just about anything under the sun could be a source of worry. Strangely, for some, the opposite reasons could be a cause for worry! When questioned, one person says, 'I don't have children, that is my problem', while his neighbour protests, 'I have children, that is my problem'! Money and the lack of money are both perceived equally as problems by different people. If one can't invent worries, even the lack of worry could become something to worry about! In fact, elderly retired people often come to me with the complaint that they have nothing to do and no one to worry about, and therefore have no reason to live!

We come from all walks of life – different cultures, financial conditions, age groups. Yet, we all worry just the same. If external circumstances were the sole cause of worry, why would we all suffer in the same way?

The real reason we worry lies deep within ourselves. Look deeply into your worry. You will find that worry, like any suffering is not an external event in your life. Rather, it is your response to an event. Whether a situation makes you worry or not depends entirely on how you choose to react to that situation.

Just suppose your friend lands himself a great job. There are two ways you could perceive the situation. You could think, 'He's got a great job.' Or you could think, 'Oh my God, he's got a great job! What about me? What am I going to do? What will my wife say? Should I start looking for another job? What if I'm not good enough?

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Why doesn't anything ever go right for me?'

Do you see how worry slips into the situation even without your being aware of it? After all, there is nothing inherently painful in your friend getting a great job. Worry is simply what happens when you constantly check yourself against external frames of reference. Am I doing as well as my neighbours? Is my boss impressed with me? What will my kids think?

Worry can become a need!

Why this need to get approval all the time from others? The sad truth is, we all have stopped trusting ourselves a long time ago.

As children, each of us is strongly centered in our own being. Have you ever seen a little child worry about what people might think of him? But as we grow, society plays this idea constantly into our minds. Society teaches us to evaluate ourselves by the ideas and opinions of others - parents, teachers, friends, even strangers. As a result, we begin to believe less and less in ourselves. Without external support, without social 'certificates' for all our convictions and actions, we fear that our ego will collapse in no time.

When you worry about something, you feel as if you have a definite point of reference against which to measure yourself. That is why worrying seems to give a centre to your being, a direction to your life. Without worry, you feel as if your being has no axis about which to move! For this very reason, many of us are actually in love with our worries.

People come to me and say, 'My business is going from bad to worse. I suffered heavy losses last month, and I know that next month is going to be even worse.' So I ask them, 'If you can foresee that, why don't you close your business right away?' And they protest in horror, 'What? What will I do then?'

What they actually mean is, 'What will I worry about then?' Without a reason to worry, your ego loses its moorings; it loses its reason for existence. That is why you choose to remain in the dimension of dukkha (worry). You cannot relate to the opposite dimension, ananda (bliss) – for in that dimension, you are nobody. To enjoy bliss, you need to first drop your ego. Are you ready to do that? No! You are ready to take on all worries, but you can't let go of your ego! So you keep finding excuses to worry. Most of all, you worry about the fact that everyone around you is happy, while only you are not. But the funny thing is that every single person feels the same way. How is this possible?

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In a certain kingdom, it came to the king's notice, that everybody was depressed, because they found themselves burdened with more than their fair share of worries, while no one else seemed to have any worries at all.

A small story

So the king announced a mega 'worry exchange offer', where people could trade their big worries for others' minor ones.

A vast space was made ready, in the center of which stood a giant 'worry pot'. Here each person could happily dump his own worries and pick up the worries of anyone else they chose.

The entire kingdom gathered for the event.

Strangers met and starting talking to each other.

In due course, the event was declared open. Not surprisingly, not a single person came forward – for who wants to drop his small, familiar worries, and take on the unknown worries of another instead!

The mind is the master of worry.

Before we can move towards easing worry, we need to figure out just what happens inside us when we worry. Just watch your mind when you are worrying about something. What is taking place? You'll find that a continuous stream of thoughts is flowing through your mind - mostly negative, totally disconnected.

In fact, we all indulge in two kinds of speech – 'speaking out' and 'speaking in'. Speaking to others is what we normally call speech. But what about the soundless inner conversations that we constantly carry on with ourselves? This continuous, uncontrolled inner chatter that takes possession of your being without your permission, is the gift of the mind - the source of all worry. This inner chatter is your true master.

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With inner chatter, there is no cessation of speech, never a moment's respite. It is a kind of madness. Often, speaking to others is just a way of escaping from one's own being, from one's inner chatter. That is why so much talking is going on in the world!

It is not easy to understand what is meant by inner chatter. Try this experiment. Sit down with your eyes closed. Don't focus on any issue. In just a few moments, you'll find that there is a continuous stream of thoughts flowing through your mind. Write down, honestly, whatever thoughts come into your mind. Do this for five minutes.

Now, sit down and read what's written on that paper. You will be shocked by what you read! This is the record of your inner chatter. How disconnected your thoughts are! How irrelevant, contradictory and defying they are! Now do you see what a full-fledged lunatic asylum you are running inside your head? This is the true nature of your mind – this completely uncontrolled flow of thoughts, this expression of insanity. This is the mind you have entrusted your life to! This is the mind that has invented all your worries. It is this mind that is living your life for you. Simply understand this much, and you have already taken a quantum leap towards freedom from worry.

One man once purchased a new car and went off on his first ride. On and on he went, mile after mile through the city. People watched in admiration, but he was in a frenzy of fear.

A small story

Soon after he launched out, he realized that he knew everything about how to run the car – except how to stop it!

Luckily for everybody, the car finally came to a stop after colliding with a tree.

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A stunned passerby enquired of him, 'What's wrong with you? Don't you know how to drive?'

'Of course I do', cried he indignantly, 'I only don't know how to stop!'

In fact, he was actually not driving the car – he was being driven by it. The car was in control, not he. To drive is to have the ability to make the car move and stop in accordance with your wishes, not its own fancy.

In much the same way, you are 'driving' a vehicle which you don't know how to stop - your mind. Just try to stop, even for a moment, your inner chatter. Can you? When you try to stop it, the gushing of thoughts becomes even more uncontrollable. It is as if you are fastened with a seatbelt and the vehicle is free to move in any direction that it pleases to move in. At least, in a physical accident, we stand to lose only one body, one life – but when we become slaves to our inner chatter, we could spend life after life being taken for a ride. And be driven through life like a madman – with no purpose, no awareness, not even an understanding of what the result is going to be!

When does worry become depression?

Depression is nothing but the clinical name for chronic worry. What is chronic worrying?

The mind is an excellent recording system. It stores your negative thought patterns, your complexes, your worries. Whatever you teach the mind, it learns and repeats faithfully.

So watch what you tell your mind!

For instance, suppose you experience a failure in business. To make it worse, your marriage breaks up around the same period. Chances are that you'll begin to believe that something is wrong with you, that whatever you touch is bound to be a failure. By continuously repeating this negative idea to yourself, you help it get even more deeply rooted in your memory. And as time passes, the mind begins to automatically play back whatever you have taught it, even in other situations, disturbing you without your knowledge or permission. This becomes a habit for your mind, resulting in a serious inferiority complex.

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Just as poor eating habits ultimately cause fat deposits to accumulate in your body, or cholesterol to accumulate in your arteries, constant worrying can actually cause worries to solidify in your being. And just as cholesterol creates blockages in your arteries, depression creates energy blockages in your being. Depression is felt as a total low, a state past all hope. It is a state where we have handed over our controls to a monster we have created ourselves.

On the physical level, worry quickly manifests itself as ailments of the stomach (just check how often you need to visit the bathroom on the day of an exam or a job interview!). This is significant, because worry is closely connected to the manipuraka chakra, the vital energy center that is located in the navel region. The energy of this chakra, which controls the functions of digestion and elimination, gets locked by constant worrying.

How to conquer worry?

To even understand worry, we need to possess a deep insight into the nature of our own minds. The way into worry is through the mind, and only through the mind can we find a way out. Instead, we insist on searching for answers in all the wrong places - in external circumstances. We tell ourselves, 'If only I had enough money there would be nothing to worry about; if only I was better-looking; if only, if only...' This is a truly futile exercise.

One evening one man was found searching earnestly for something in the courtyard before his house.

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When his wife asked him about it, he replied that he had dropped a coin.

His wife joined in the search.

Soon others gathered and practically the whole neighbourhood was searching for the lost coin, to no avail.

Suddenly one young man asked him, 'Which is the exact spot where you dropped the coin? Even half an hour's search has yielded no results!'

'Oh', said he, 'I lost the coin inside the house.'

'Then why are we searching here?' cried an amazed neighbour.

'The problem is', said he, 'I have no lights inside my house. Out here at least there's the streetlamp. We can search by its light.'

It is an amusing story, is it not? But you must know that your behaviour too is equally amusing. You too go about your search for freedom from worry in much the same manner without a clue as to its true causes and nature.

Once you understand how the mind works, this becomes simple. Just as a key can be used both to lock and unlock a door, you can use the words playing in your mind to sink into depression or rise into ecstasy.

The mantra to combat worry is simple: continuous positive thinking. Be alert. Whenever you become aware of a negative thought surfacing, begin to feed your mind positive thoughts instead. It is not an easy task, of course. In the beginning, when you utter positive words, your mind (which has been so well-trained to respond negatively) is not going to learn these words easily. A small corner of your mind will continue to protest, 'Do you think I'm a fool to be taken in by a few positive words?'

But by and by, you can alter the quality of the mind. It is perfectly possible to change your mental programming. After all, it is you who has programmed it! You know how to do it. Now just redo it in a different

A small story way, that's all. The moment you see how easily worry can be created and destroyed by mere words, you will realize how unreal it is. To go beyond inner chatter for even a few moments is to become aware, to become alive.

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The very understanding of how unnecessary worry is, naturally unlocks the treasures of manipuraka chakra. Suffering dissolves of its own accord. And in its place arises that state which neither pleasure nor pain can disturb - the state of ananda, bliss. With gnana - knowledge and dhyana - meditation, awareness and practice, suffering itself can be the door that leads you to THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM, eternal bliss.

Q: How can I stop comparing myself to others and being miserable?

At least you have realized that comparison only brings misery - that is a good beginning! Buddha makes a statement of tremendous significance. He says, 'Nothing exists except in relationship. Everything is relative, and draws its meaning only from its relationship with something else.'

What are the words you use to compare yourself to others?

Beautiful. Rich. Clever. Unlucky. Young. Weak and so on.

Now, imagine yourself on some new planet, where nobody lived but you. Would you then be beautiful or ugly? Tall or short? Rich or poor? Without anyone to compare with, these words lose their very meaning, because they are only concepts formulated by the mind; they have no real existence.

Try this. Close your eyes for a few moments. Imagine yourself all alone in the world. Do you feel ugly or beautiful inside? Foolish or wise? Where are all these concepts then? Only the fact that you exist remains - because that is the only truth.

To compare yourself with someone else is foolishness, because you can never be anyone else - and no one else can be you! Look around you. Do you know anyone else who is exactly the same as you? Don't you see how special you are?

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A small story

It is said that the disciple of a Zen master once asked him, 'Tell me master, when will I become like Buddha?'

In answer, the master slapped him furiously across the face.

Why? Was it because the disciple was hoping for too much? No. The master simply had to jolt the disciple into the awareness that he was already a Buddha! How can you want to become something that you already are? You are so out of touch with your inner being that you have forgotten how extraordinary you really are. Once you realize this, the need to compare dies naturally. Even if you wanted to compare, each person is so different; where is the common point of reference?

So drop the attitude of comparison. Remember, you are truly unique just like everyone else!

Q: I have just found a most wonderful partner, but I'm so worried that this relationship is too good to last!

Too good to last! This is really worry at its peak! To worry about not having anything to worry about is the most cunning game of the mind. The mind will never let you relax into the present - it has to keep imposing the past and future upon you. But to love is to forget both past and future - to surrender totally to the delights of the present.

Examine the true reason for your fear. Something that is simply too beautiful is happening to you. It is so beautiful that you feel you've done nothing to deserve it! So you start fearing the moment when it will be over. When is he going to find someone more beautiful, more talented, more rich? How am I going to prevent it? What will happen if he leaves?

But no matter how much you worry, is there any way you can prevent anything from happening? You don't possess your partner. You don't know when he might change his mind - you don't even understand your own mind! To imagine that you can control the situation is sheer foolishness. Trying too hard to hold onto a relationship is the most certain way to destroy it. Ultimately, all insecurities arise from a lack of trust in oneself. In love, you simply have to trust yourself. Only then can you trust your partner, and trust in your relationship. There is no other way.

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Of course, no one can promise you that your relationship will last. Why do you want it to? Change is the nature of life. Accept that the relationship is here today, and it is beautiful. Yes, it may not be the same tomorrow. Isn't that all the more reason to enjoy it completely today? There will be enough time to feel the pain when it is over!

And the truth is, if you have loved completely, with your entire being, there will be no suffering in letting go of a relationship if it no longer works. To be afraid to love simply because it may not last, is as foolish as refusing to live because you are certain to die someday!

Q: Even though I am trying to change into a better person, I worry about being punished for my past sins.

We are never punished for our sins! Rather, we are punished by them. Sin always carries its own immediate punishment, but we are not aware of this. In fact, it is the concept of delayed punishment that allows people to commit sin; it is reassuring to know that one can sin now and pay for it later, maybe only on Judgment Day, or even in another life! The fact is that sin and punishment always come together. And I'm not talking about theft or murder.

To me, sin is any act that is committed in unawareness. Even overeating is a sin - and it usually brings its own punishment in the long run. When you are angry, when you are jealous or revengeful, you are committing violence against your own being. Your inner state is thrown out of kilter; your peace is ruined. Even a few minutes of anger can poison your entire system, and it will be hours or days before you can regain your normal state. This is your sin and your suffering.

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Guilt is the most common and most major form of punishment you can inflict upon yourself. People usually pay for small, entirely forgettable sins with years of unnecessary guilt - like you are doing right now! The truth is, when you drop the guilt, you drop the sin also. A person committing adultery may be so lost in love that she is not conscious of sinning at all. Without the guilt, she is no longer a sinner, only a lover.

This is what heaven and hell actually are - psychological states of mind. You won't find them on a map of the universe - they exist only inside your own mind. And worry and guilt are the surest ways to enter into hell.

Guilt is useful in a limited way, in that it keeps you from committing the same mistake twice. If you have learnt your lesson, it is time to drop the guilt. No point in worrying about mistakes already made; there is no greater sin than refusing to let go of your past!