CHAPTER 5 Discovering Love
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What is love?
DISCOVERING LOVE
Such a deceptively simple question, but watch how deep it takes you!
What is ordinarily known as love is no more than the mischief of hormones. It works on the push and pull of greed, fear, anger and jealousy. To love in this manner, to be a victim of the havoc wrought by our hormones and our minds, must be hell indeed!
But most of us can imagine nothing beyond the selfish love we give and take all our lives. To understand the true meaning of love, we must first understand the nature of man.
Man is a 'triple entity' of sorts, composed of intellect, emotion and being. The innermost core, the atman or self, is beyond them all.
When the light of the atman floods the intellect, the intellect is showered with energy and is transformed into intelligence. When the atman works through emotion, emotion is purified and expressed as trust. When the atman touches the being, the being flowers in love. Love is the ultimate blossoming of consciousness. It is the ultimate possibility available to us.
Q: Do we all love in the same way, or are there different kinds of love?
There is only one love, but its expressions vary from person to person. Intellectual love is that which is expressed through the head. Because it is closely related to the mind, this love is the most corrupt of all.
The intellect perceives love as a bargain, as a contract of sorts. It believes strictly in give-and-take. Its attitude is a calculated, 'What is in it for me?' This kind of love will always result in expectation, possessiveness, jealousy and violence. This kind of love transforms neither the giver nor taker.
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Emotional love is expressed through the heart, and so it is a more purified expression of love. Here the emphasis is not on contract, but on contact. This love trusts and gives without much expectation. Whatever problems arise in this love are solved by love itself. This kind of love transforms the giver immensely.
When love is expressed through the being, there is neither give nor take; there is just the radiating of love, just a choiceless overflowing of love energy. This love can bring with it no pain and no problems, because it is not dependent on the other person. In fact, it does not even require an object; it is simply a radiance, an overflowing. This kind of love transforms both giver and taker in beautiful ways.
When love radiates through intelligence, it is rightly called, 'falling in love'! When it radiates through the emotions, we may term it 'rising in love'. When it radiates through the being, it results in 'flying in love'! And the only kind of love worth mentioning is the one that lends you wings.
Q: How is ordinary love different from divine love? Are they both expressions of the same quest?
I can say there are only two kinds of love – 'divide' love and divine love!
Ordinary love divides; divine love unites. Ordinary love perceives boundaries; divine love recognizes no boundaries. But yes, they are expressions of the same quest. These two kinds of love do not differ in kind, but only in degree. As ordinary love moves from the intellect towards the being, it approaches the quality of divine love.
Q: But in our day-to-day relationships, won't there always be some element of possessiveness, jealousy and so on?
No. If these exist in a relationship, then it is not a relationship of love at all; it is only an ego-fulfilling game masquerading as love.
If you love, you cannot possess – and vice-versa. One can only possess property. How dare anyone try to possess a being? Even to attempt that is to reduce someone who is energy to the status of gross matter. It reveals a deep-seated disrespect for the person. Then how can you relate with that person, or expect him/her to relate with you?
No matter how beautifully it is masked, the being senses this attitude of disrespect. That is why someone who is in a relationship with a possessive person will sooner or later try to break free.
As for jealousy, it is the complete antithesis to love. Jealousy tries to enforce love, trust, and loyalty upon the other. It tries to grab from the other the very gifts that can only be given willingly and with joy. How can jealousy and love possibly co-exist?
Possessiveness and jealousy both arise from the same root cause - fear. The ego is a coward! It is forever afraid of losing its power over the other person. So it tries to trap the other in a cage. It demands a contract of loyalty, renewable daily. Its whole show of aggression is mere drama to cover up its deep-seated fear.
Love, on the other hand, knows no fear. It trusts too much to feel fear. Love does not ask questions; it does not demand loyalty. It simply surrenders. When two people are truly in love, they are not surrendering to each other; they are both surrendering to the supreme experience of love.
The fact that you love is enough guarantee. There is no need for any other security. In truth, love trusts even if the trust is violated. It knows no other way. To react in any other way would mean destroying the other's happiness, and one who truly loves can never bear to do that! Love does not know the language of jealousy and possessiveness.
To bring these into a love relationship is the surest way to kill it.
Be warned!
Q: Without possessiveness, enforced loyalty and such things, won't relationships degenerate into what is known as 'free love' or 'free sex'?
No. On the contrary, the exact opposite happens. It is the existence of possessiveness which results in free sex. When love is given and received through the intellect, it results in deep dissatisfaction. No matter how hard you repress it, free sex will flourish as long as people keep looking for a better bargain. Love like this can never aspire towards spirituality or even beauty; it can only result in strategy, exploitation and frustration.
When love is directed through emotions, one experiences a sense of fulfillment with one partner itself. There is no longer any need to look outside for any satisfaction. The 'free' of 'free sex' disappears, and only 'sex' remains!
And ultimately, when love becomes an outpouring of the being, the word 'sex' itself disappears. One experiences tremendous satisfaction even without the other. There is such complete self-sufficiency that there is no longer any need for sex!
Q: Why is it the intellect which controls such a completely 'physical' phenomenon like free sex?
Who says sex is a physical phenomenon? If love or sex were to be expressed only through the body, you would snap out of it almost immediately. It is when it is expressed through the mind that the trouble starts! In fact, almost 90% of our lovemaking is cerebral. It's true! How many people can climax unless they imagine someone 'better' than the real person before them? That means sex is a purely mental exercise.
If you can climax without a mental game, with just yourself and your partner, you will be free from sex.
Q: Is it necessary for spiritual seekers to give up worldly love?
You need to drop the worldliness, not love! What we normally know as 'worldly love' is love tainted with attachment, possessiveness, jealousy and selfishness. Bring intelligence and compassion into your love. Cleanse the impurities of ignorance and expectations. What remains is true love. With love like this, you can transform even your 'worldly' relationships into sacred spiritual exercises.
Q: You were telling us about 'love as a quality' as opposed to 'love as a quantity'.
When love is given in a calculated manner, it expresses as a poor, limited quantity, to be safeguarded from all except a select few who can receive it. This kind of love comes with the regular package of expectation, pain and frustration.
But when love becomes a quality of your being, it will pour forth like sunshine uncaring of who receives or who reciprocates it. This kind of love is simply an expression of the blossoming of your being. It spreads equally to all, and embraces all without question and without conditions.
Q: We normally say that the path towards the Divine has to be traveled alone. But is it possible for two people to travel together, through love?
The path towards the Divine is a deeply personal one. Up to a certain distance, you can travel together. It makes the path all the more beautiful when you are sharing it with your beloved! But after a while, a time will come when you understand that from this point on, each person has to take the step alone. Each individual is unique, and so is each one's path. When this realization happens, the need to travel together will drop of its own accord. The ultimate flight towards the divine is always utterly alone!
Q: Does love mean accepting the other person as he is, with all his faults and imperfections?
The very words, 'accepting the other person as he is, with all his faults...' implies some kind of condemnation, doesn't it? 'Welcoming the other person as he is presented to you' would be more like love! The whole of Existence is a gift to you from the Divine. Accept it with grace and humility.